Stopping Bullying Requires Culture Change

Jim Jelinske is tired of adding new pictures – the faces of children who committed suicide after being bullied - to his slide presentation.

Jelinske, a former counselor from Dubuque, Iowa, speaks at schools across the country to raise awareness about bullying. He brought his presentation to a group of about 20 Pilgrim Park Middle School parents on Monday night after speaking at two student assemblies earlier in the day.

Stopping bullying requires a change of culture in our schools, and parents, educators and students all play a role, said Jelinske, who used humor along with heart-breaking stories in his presentation. “No child should be afraid to go to school,” he said.

Most bullying is not physical abuse but relational bullying that includes humiliation, gossiping, spreading rumors, rejection and exclusion, embarrassment and name calling, Jelinske said. But some kids might not consider such behavior as bullying, he added.

That’s where parents and schools come in. “We need to tell our children what hurts,” he said.

Jelinske noted the anonymity of technology also has provided a new bullying weapon for kids who wouldn’t typically be abusive. Parents should have clear rules about computer use, make sure they know what their kids are doing online and stress that “if you’re not going to say it to my face, don’t say it on the computer,” he said.

Parents and schools must work to build a culture of kindness, caring and respect, Jelinske said. For parents, that means leading by example, he said.

He suggested schools might have a campaign to outlaw the use of certain phrases or words in the building. They could recognize students for all achievements whether they’re in academics, athletics or citizenship, so all students feel valued.

Jelinske and Pilgrim Park Principal Mike Sereno agreed that students have an important role in stopping bullies.

Most kids are watching rather than participating in the abusive behavior, Jelinske said.

Sereno said school staff tells students that bystanders “really have the power to stop the bullying. The bystander has the ability to go up to the kids and say ‘we don’t do that.’”

Jelinske offered some tips for parents who discover their child is being bullied:

• Try not to overreact. Kids watch and learn from their parents’ behavior.
• Let your child know it’s not his fault. Point out what makes him special and that it’s OK to be different. 
• Document the incident. 
• Give your child a plan for how to react to bullying.
• Report it to the school. Jelinske said it is better to report the incident to a teacher or counselor rather than approaching the other child’s parents.
• Follow up with the school.

Jelinske reminded parents that most students probably will not admit they’re being bullied, so it’s important to be aware of warning signs.

Sixth-grader Anya Klundt and eighth-graders Ali Brefka and Chris Bastin attended Jelinske’s evening presentation after hearing him at the school assemblies.

Brefka found Jelinske’s message “inspirational. It just made me think more about my actions,” she said.

Aimee Klundt, a Pilgrim Park parent, is happy the middle school is addressing the issue. “I think it’s helpful that they’re bringing it up in school, really making them aware of what bullying is,” she said.